Tuesday, January 29, 2008

It was one of those mornings when the air seemed so cold and grey that at any moment it could shatter like glass and fall away. Teetering down the road in high heels I could barely walk in at the best of times, I clung onto my friends arm for support - perhaps too optimistically as he was having equal trouble staying stable himself, faring marginally better only because of his lack of 3 inch heels. We had wandered straight into a britpop album cover circa 1996.

(they keep messaging me, these lost girls - brief windows into their lives which are both beautiful, and sad. It makes me realise that, although I am a girl who does a little too much of everything, I am not the only one. We are blessed and cursed and sometimes, I just wish they could see how wonderful they really are. It isn't right, really. Keep sending me letters from the trenches, you funny little angels - I will keep telling you to keep your chin up, forget the bad boys, treasure the good ones, and soon we will meet up and toast to the world until gin blossoms grow everywhere. I'll come by with ice cream and the number for takeaway pizza and we will laugh about it all, concoct a battleplan and find our way back home again. I am the patron saint of lost girls, remember)

I was on a mission last weekend to get out of my head, I think. I'm not really sure what I was trying to prove to myself but hopefully I got the message. My body still feels a little poisoned; all the peppermint tea in the world won't clean my mind, although I am giving it a good try. There was lots of laughter, and Bansky jokes ("stop writing my fucking name everywhere - Bansky" "This will look good in the guardian - Bansky") and star wars videos, me and Zoe making dens and displaying habitual environmental resourcefulness, random encounters, missed opportunities, Geordies drowning in the biggest k holes I have ever witnessed, and watching the film "kids" (the one about aids and rape), as well. on ket. the fucking nutters. I can't think of any activity less appealing frankly

I woke up early this morning. It felt good, to actually turn up somewhere on time, I think perhaps a personal best. We learned how to express arguments logically using PL, which I have to grudgingly admit, does make sense and has finally provided me with a justification for having learned algebra and all that jizz at GCSE. I can just TELL it's going to end up pissing me off though, mostly because my brain just sees anything numeric or logical and tends to go off in a sulk stamping it's feet and crying "nu uhhhhh." So I'm going to be spending this semester trying to work out wffs and tearing my hair out

From "Qa", we get generate wffs such as "∃xGx", "∀yGy".

From "(~Pa→S)", we get "∃y(~Py→S)" or "∀x(~Px→S)".

From "(Qa↔Qa)", we get "∃x(Qx↔Qx)", "∀z(Qz↔Qz)" (But not "∃x(Qx↔Qa)"!)

From "(~Qa→Qb)", we get "∃x(~Qx→Qb)", "∀z(~Qa→Qz)" (But not "∃x(~Qx→Qx)"!)

From "~((Pa&S)↔(~Fb∨Ka))", we can get :
"∃x~((Pa&S)↔(~Fx∨Ka))", etc.
(But not "∃x~((Px&S)↔(~Fb∨Ka))")


Saturday, January 12, 2008

and even though the sky is bruise blue grey and the rain is never more than seconds from falling, the sun is shining sideways on everything. There are new lakes popping up all over the place and I imagine a loch ness monster swimming through them and a rainbow is framing the trees of the park. It is strange and it is happy and I wonder how everyone else can fail to be as excited by this as I am

Friday, January 04, 2008

i am writing this sitting back in my flat on my second full day back in Leeds. I have decided to develop into a sort of hermit, venturing out into the cold wastelands of the outside only to purchase milk and a copy of the guardian. I have been watching episode after episode of Arrested Developement and Larry Clark films and painting concentric patterns and drawing conclusions about applied ethics. (it is scary, the deeper you venture into the world of ethics, the more it becomes apparent just how much of our current moral code is based upon our acceptance of certain positions as unquestionable. As soon as you begin to dig beneath the surface a little, to root around amongst the foundations, the whole thing is liable to collapse like a house of cards.) I have also been playing a new game I have, where I choose a random ingredient from in the fridge and find and make a recipe involving it. So far I have made tomato pitta breads and broccoli gratin. The results were mixed but enjoyable.

I had a shuffle fest on my ipod earlier today while I was working, which led to the interesting combination of dillinja, soundgarden, handsome boy modeling school, velvet acid christ ,lovage, velvet underground, cowboy junkies, and badly drawn boy. Also tickling my ears recently have been the Vangelis song at the end of Blade Runner, Hello Mr Blue Sky by the Electric Light Orchestra, and anything by the Cardigans.

I could quite happily stay as a hermit forever (so long as I had plenty of dvds and books and paints) if the world outside wasn't so interesting. I am writing this in case of the unlikely-but-ever-growing-possibility that I decide to stay in here forever (or at least until summer comes.) More people should hibernate, there are a lot of positives to it.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

disclaimer: stream of babble ahead

so I am writing in this today because i have found that not writing and carefully measuring my words as though they were grams of gold or something is a) fucking stupid and b) not doing anything particularly productive for me anyway. why would i stop them from flowing out, they are not a finite resource to be guarded, it's like that song about the magic penny from infant school, "hold it tight and you won't have any.. give them out and you'll have so many they'll roll all over the floor." And writing is how I break down walls and it's how I do/am going to do pretty much anything that's important to me so I should do more of it. at the moment I am thinking about pyramids a lot. What are the various things that they represent? To me I think they are a nice symbol of what i percieve as the tripartite nature of many/(all?) aspects of llife. I think the various facets of peoples personalities generally fall into 3 primary sections. Conscious, subconscious, psyche? dunno threw the last one in because it sounded right, haven't really put much thought or investigatiion into it yet really. maybe the psyche is the conscious and subconscious actually. dunno need to look into that one a bit. Anyhow this is another paralell with christianity that I have found within my own personal beliefs - the tripartite form of the holy trinity (god son and holy spirit) being a fundemental part of (some) christian beliefs; i am not a christian but rosie, who is a pink pretty flower who i used to live with and one of the best sunniest people i know, is and so i spent a year going to a christian discussion group at her church which was really interesting. (conclusion: christianity comes down to a leap of faith, willing suspension of disbelief - agreeing to accept certain truths just because - [guess that's what faith is anyway] - not something I can do now, maybe ever) There are two other paralells but one of them escapes me at the moment, however the first is the belief that we are living in a fallen world - that the world in it's present state is not as it is supposed to. (can't believe that a world this flawed, yes beautiful but so inherently corrupt was meant to be this way) a friend of mine argued that he believes saying there is a way the world " should" be is a very dangerous path to go down as it indicates some kind of divine plan - higher sentience etc, but that's maybe the reason why i think it's a path worth going down anyway. interestingly my feelings about christianity - interest, detatched but genuine appreciation for certain aspects but unable to truly accept the message as a whole doctrine - entirely reflect my feelings for the psy trance scene. I like and respect the ethos and have genuine admiration for people who can have cultivated a community in this modern world that is not based around selfish desire; i can appreciate the fact that the music is very complex and combines mathematics and structure with elements of eastern philosophies and also makes nice gleepy gloopy bwomp noises, I admire the complex and beautiful imagery that combines the natural with the cyber, .. but I just don't really buy it all. the music is sometimes kind of crap. maybe it's time i take a chance and just start taking plunges. but i cant ever see one side of anything, there's always fucking 3 (also anyone who says hallucinogens are the only way to free your mind and achieve enlightenment is mistaken i reckon; they are not the only way, they aren't even the best way)set myself free of a lot of things, so they can fly off and do their own thing, they have no purpose to me any more. Now, just need to focus as much attention outwards as I do inwards. at least i know i can fall in love though. it's a trick and a half as well, being able to wear your heart on your sleeve and then it getting torn and bruised, to not hide it away locked up til its cold and dies because youre scared, but just keep it out there and still it beats hard, strong, steady. so this year I am going to write more in visible places (not scrounge these words for what use are they to me and me alone, they float around my head all day anyway) and learn more things, like: knitting, and cooking, one recipe a week, and maybe how to be a vegetarian, and certainly how to be less like an existance and more like a life. imho, meaning of life: create, understand, experience. hehe. 3 sides too. only just noticed that. how nice :) . A thought experiment to illustrate this is to imagine a life of matrix stylee people in pods, no life, no existance. what is it that we find so horrific about this hypothetical scenario? the lack of creation, experience and above all understanding. for me anyway. so i reckon that's the meaning of my life, for me. can anyone recommend knitting tips? i love tea. my friend zoe once gave me jasmine tea brewed from a flower. it were ever so classy like. Im lucky enough to have encountered some wonderful peoples over the years. i appreciate them more and more when i see how they have survived as themselves in a society which sometimes(always?) feels like it's trying to fuck people over and milk them for all they are worth; and make them love it. Fighting that is nigh on impossible but i know people who try and for that i love them. even if it is in different ways. christians think the psy trance heads have it wrong. vice versa. different paths. everyone always thinks everybody who doesnn't think what they think is wrong.The last thing my mother said to me when i went travelling was "Remember: nobody out there is your friend. trust nobody." i think she was mistaken. and maybe sometimes its worth getting dicked over a couple of times if it means you don't lose hope.

happy two thousand and eight, time for a change maybe?